You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
