All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
