dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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