Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
