i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
