ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
