So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
