I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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