i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize