she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
