she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
