Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
