Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
only you would photoshop your dick
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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