Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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