my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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