i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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