i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
