I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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