we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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