Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
