Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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