I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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