Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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