i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
