Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
