would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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