I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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