The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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