im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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