I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
