If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i think i just lost a toe
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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