Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
