Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
