explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
