i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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