Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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