it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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