i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We left an ass print on the piano.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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