remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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