I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
