uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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