I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
