What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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