Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
