whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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