If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
