If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
