***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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