So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
