Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
