Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
