Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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