i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
