you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We left an ass print on the piano.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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