saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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