Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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