I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
did i walk over a car last night?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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