Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
