Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize