He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
