Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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