nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
