my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
