I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
